25 Fun Things To Do In An Exam You Know You're Failing
This advice does come late, considering everybody is done with their dreaded (read : dreaded) final exams and have probably even received their results - but hey come on, who cares?
There are final exams that you know you've aced and final exams when you know you are doomed into the fiery pits of hell for knowing absolutely diddly-squat about the scheduled paper. So what should you do? Should you sit in terror, while the towering teacher takes pleasure in watching you tremble, or do you make your mark on that exam and make it a memorable experience not only for yourself, but also for everybody in the exam hall?
Here are 25 fun things to do when you are dead sure that you are going to flunk a final:
1. Bring a nice, big, colourful and comfortable pillow. Fall asleep, or pretend to have fallen asleep until the last 15 minutes before submission. Wake up, say "oh darn, I better get cracking at this". Do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Rajesh! Suresh! I've got the secret documents!!" Never show up for that class ever again.
3. If the paper is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. Also, if the exam is math/science related, try to make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, say literature of history, relate everything to your own life story.
4. Talk for the entire duration of the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking, can’t you?" Then start talking about what a jerk the invigilator is and how he/she clearly can’t understand your high levels of intelligence.
5. Walk into the hall, get the exam booklet and sit down. About fifteen minutes into the paper, loudly yell to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
6. On the answer sheet (or booklet, or book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example:
I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
I demand that my lawyer be present while I write the answer to this question as I feel it threatens my Legal Rights as a free citizen of this Nation.
7. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Take a moment and breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, put one hand on his/her shoulder, lean into their ear and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. Again, never show up for this class ever again.
8. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air, and yell out "Merry Christmas!!" If you're really daring and really want to piss the invigilator off, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes yelling the names of different festivals.
9. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals instead of Arabic numerals. Here’s your chance to try your hand at Elvish or Dothraki.
10. Walk into the exam with an entourage, with all equipment towed behind. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam, as part of a reality TV show. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
11. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (BABA, BABE. etc).
12. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. Alternatively, draw black borders on all fours sides of the answer sheet and offer your condolences to the invigilator on the demise of the paper.
13. Arrange a mass agitation and protest before the exam starts. Bring dangerous looking thugs to strengthen your case.
14. Start crying for mommy. Yell even louder when asked to stop.
15. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the invigilators asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH! Like, why are you even a teacher?" (Do not forget to roll your eyes)
16. Skip your own exam and go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the invigilator/teacher in-charge would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. Threaten the invigilator with dire legal consequences and say, “Expect a notice from my Lawyer” when denied the right to give the paper.
17. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, and say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel, seriously? MTV Roadies is on!!!"
18. Bring a water pistol with you. ‘Nuff said. Bring extra if possible and distribute them in the class. Offer prizes to the people who wet the instructor the most.
19. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. When asked to produce a doctor’s note, say that Medicine is farce and how Yoga and natural therapies like this help.
20. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out and banned too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
21. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. Be cunning.
22. Bring a large, heavy, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. When asked to stop, threaten the Invigilator with dire consequences for not being allowed to practice your faith.
23. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. Exclaim in wonder when each one keeps coming in. Act special.
24. Bring a musical instrument with you and play your favourite songs. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so" (whilst rolling your eyes).
25. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
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